Matthew Taylor
Kidsit Founder, Editor, Illustrator, and father of three beautiful kids in Sydney, Australia.
304 Clean Jokes For Kids
(Plus Random Joke Button!)
Kids are natural comedians, they love telling jokes and laughing at even the silliest stories. Even young children enjoy the structure of joke-telling; the setup, the unexpected punchline, then laughing out loud together!
Kids can happily spend hours improvising their own jokes and experimenting to test what their friends and family find funny.
Help them out by browsing through our list of 304 kid-friendly jokes below, or click the Random Joke Button for rapid-fire gags:
Why do elephants wear yellow socks?
So they can hide upside down in a bowl of custard!
Browse our complete list of kids jokes below.
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Let the laughter begin...
Riddles
Kids are constantly asking parents why, now it’s time to ask them questions! These riddles will help kids to think outside of the box and to question everything while they try to think of an answer. Some of these are tricky but all of them are fun!
If you were in a race and passed the person who is in 2nd place, what place would you be in?
2nd place!
What’s worse than having diarrhea?
Having to spell it!
What has to be broken before you can use it?
An egg!
Why can’t your hand be 12 inches long?
Because it would be a foot!
Why does a flamingo lift up one leg?
Because if it lifted up both legs it would fall over!
What did one DNA strand say to the other?
Does my butt look big in these jeans?
What do you call a funny chicken?
A comedi-hen!
Why do we put candles on the top of a birthday cake?
Because putting them on the bottom doesn’t work!
How do you stop a spaceman’s baby from crying?
You rocket!
What did the right eye say to the left eye?
Between us, something smells!
What animal needs oil?
A mouse because it squeaks!
What has two legs but can’t walk?
A pair of pants!
What race is never run?
A swimming race!
What do you get when you cross a cow with a trampoline?
A milkshake!
What washes up onto very small beaches?
Microwaves!
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7, 8, 9!
Why are celebrities so cool?
Because they have so many fans!
What do you call two birds in love?
Tweethearts!
What did one snowman say to another?
Do you smell carrots?
Why don’t crocodiles eat clowns?
Because they taste funny!
What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef!
How many cars can you put in an empty carpark?
Only one! After that, it’s not empty.
How do you drown a hipster?
In the mainstream!
Why did the boy tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn’t want to wake up the sleeping pills!
What music frightens balloons?
Pop music!
What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Pregnant!
What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes?
Do-you-think-he-saw-us?
Why can’t Elsa have a balloon?
Because she will let it go!
How does a train eat?
Chew, chew!
What is the longest word in the dictionary?
’Smiles’, because there’s a mile between each ’s’.
What type of shoes do ninjas wear?
Sneakers!
What is ‘out of bounds’?
An exhausted kangaroo!
Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks?
Neither, they both weigh a ton!
What did one wall say to the other wall?
I’ll meet you at the corner!
How can we tell that the ocean is friendly?
It waves!
How do you get straight A’s?
By using a ruler!
What should you do if it’s raining cats and dogs?
Look out for poodles!
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye-deer!
What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs?
Still no eye-deer!
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold!
Which dinosaur had the best vocabulary?
The Thesaurus!
What happened to the man who booked a brain transplant?
He changed his mind!
What does a book do in the winter?
Puts on a jacket!
What is heavy forward but not backward?
Ton!
What falls but never hits the ground?
The temperature!
What did the policewoman say to her belly button?
You’re under a vest!
What was the Cat in the Hat looking for in the toilet?
Thing one and thing two!
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language!
What came first, the chicken or the egg?
The egg, because dinosaurs laid eggs long before they evolved into chickens!
What can you catch but never throw?
A cold!
What type of water cannot freeze?
Hot water!
What has four wheels and flys?
A garbage truck!
What should you do if someone rolls their eyes at you?
Roll them back!
What is a witch’s favorite school subject?
Spelling!
Why are robots fearless?
They have nerves of steel!
What do you get when you cross a crocodile and a cockroach?
A crocroach… RUN!
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator!
What happened to the man who sued an airline for losing his luggage?
He lost his case!
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
In case she got a hole in one!
What do you call bears with no ears?
B!
What did the big flower say to the tiny flower?
Hey, bud!
What is the shortest month?
May, because it only has three letters!
What kind of roads do ghosts look for?
Dead ends!
What is the center of Gravity?
The letter ‘V’!
Are any Halloween monsters good at math?
No, unless you Count Dracula!
What message is written on the top of a ladder?
Stop!
What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and a wooden engine?
It wooden go!
What does a geologist do for entertainment?
Go to a rock concert!
What is a polygon?
A dead parrot!
I spent 10 minutes fixing a broken clock today.
At least I think it was 10 minutes!
Why did the school teacher wear sunglasses to class?
Because her students were so bright!
What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday, the others are weak days!
What do you call a droid that goes the wrong way?
R2 detour!
Why are Superman’s suits so tight?
They’re all size ’S’!
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?
Yes, of course, a house can’t jump!
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens hadn’t evolved yet!
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick!
Why are fish smart?
Because they live in schools!
What’s the best thing to put into a pie?
Your teeth!
Where do people go who have two broken legs?
Nowhere!
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers!
There were 5 cats in a boat and one jumped out, how many were left?
None, they were all copycats!
What happened when the wheel was invented?
It caused a revolution!
What do you get if you cross an insect with a rabbit?
Bugs bunny!
What is the hardest part about skydiving?
The ground!
How long should a giraffe's legs be?
Long enough to reach the ground!
Why can’t Cinderella play soccer?
Because she’s always running away from the ball!
What is black and white and black and white and black and white?
A panda rolling down the stairs!
What time is it when your clock strikes 13?
Time to get a new clock!
What’s the best nation in the world?
Donation! Can you give me $10?
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk!
What do you call a fly with no wings and no legs?
A look!
What do you call a fly with no wings, no legs, and no eyes?
A be! (bee)
What do you call a dog that tells the time?
A watch-dog!
What stays in the corner but can still travel around the world?
A stamp!
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
Why are frogs happy?
Because they eat whatever bugs them!
What did the baby corn say to the mummy corn?
Where is pop corn?
What did Venus say to Saturn?
Give me a ring sometime!
How do you know there is an elephant in the fridge?
The door won’t shut!
Why did the giraffe have such a long neck?
Because his feet were SO smelly!
What time is it when people start throwing pieces of bread at your head?
Time to duck!
Why do chickens sit on eggs?
Because they don’t have chairs!
How many letters are in the alphabet?
There are 11 letters in ‘the alphabet’!
What letters are not in the alphabet?
The ones in the mail!
Why did the tomato blush?
It saw the salad dressing!
What’s the most expensive kind of fish?
A gold-fish!
What’s a vampire’s favorite fruit?
Blood orange!
What type of haircut do bees get?
Buzzcuts!
What are the two things you can’t have for breakfast?
Lunch and dinner!
What do you give a sick lemon?
Lemon aid!
What do you get a woman who has everything?
A burglar alarm!
Why did the girl put her money in the freezer?
She wanted cold hard cash!
What two sicknesses are worst to have together?
Diarrhea and Alzheimer’s, you’re running but you don’t know where!
Why did the kid bring a long ladder to school?
Because he wanted to go to high school!
Why did the kid cross the playground?
To get to the other slide!
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
What sound does a cow make when it breaks the sound barrier?
Cow-boom!
What’s the difference between a fridge and a newspaper?
Ever tried swatting a fly with a fridge?
Why does a seagull fly over the sea?
Because if it flew over land it would be called a landgull!
What game does a tornado like to play?
Twister!
Can February March?
No, but April May!
What’s a parent’s favorite Christmas carol?
Silent Night!
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him!
Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance?
Because he had nobody to dance with!
What did the triangle say to the circle?
You’re pointless!
How do porcupines kiss?
Carefully!
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?
A woolly jumper!
Why was the mathematics book sad?
It had too many problems!
How long is a piece of string?
Twice half it’s length!
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud!
What do you call a piece of seaweed that’s fallen in the bin?
Yaki nori!
What did zero say to eight?
Hey, nice belt!
Why did the puppy do so well at school?
Because he was the teacher’s pet!
What did the fish say when he bumped into a concrete wall?
Dam!
Why did the farmer jump on his potato plants?
He wanted to grow mashed potatoes!
What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
The same middle name!
Why do scuba divers fall backward into the water?
Because if they fell forwards they would still be in the boat!
Why do tigers have stripes?
So they don’t get spotted!
What did the banana say to the cat?
Nothing. Bananas can’t talk!
What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Finding half a worm!
What’s worse than finding half a worm?
Finding half a spider!
Why did the melon jump into the river?
Because it wanted to be a watermelon!
What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle?
The polar bear.
What’s a crocodile’s favorite game?
Snap!
What type of key opens a banana?
A mon-key!
What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
A stick!
What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?
A dino-snore!
What gets bigger the more you take away from it?
A hole!
What did one flea say to his friend?
Should we walk or catch a dog?
Why did the M&M go to school?
Because he wanted to be a Smarty!
Which side of a cow has the most hair?
The outside!
Why was the student’s report card wet?
It was below ‘C’ level!
How do you get a squirrel to notice you?
Act like a nut!
Why are elevator jokes the best?
Because they work on so many levels!
Why are ghosts terrible liars?
Because you can see right through them!
Why did the farmer ride his horse into town?
Because it was too heavy to carry!
Why do echidnas always win the game?
Because they have the most points!
Why do birds fly?
Because it’s faster than walking!
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re so good at it!
What did the elf learn in school?
The elf-abet!
What has three letters and starts with gas?
A car!
How do you talk to a giant?
Use BIG words!
What’s white and can’t climb trees?
A fridge!
Where would you find an elephant?
The same place you lost him!
How many months have 28 days?
All of them!
How can you tell if an ant is a boy or a girl?
They’re all girls, otherwise, they would be uncles!
What did the bald man say when he received a comb for his birthday?
Thanks, I’ll never part with this!
What was a more useful invention than the first telephone?
The second telephone!
What happens if life gives you melons?
You’re dyslexic!
What do you call an old snowman?
Water!
What gets wetter the more it dries?
A towel!
Why don’t you ever see giraffes in primary school?
Because they’re all in high school!
What did the ghost call her Mum and Dad?
Her transparents!
Why was the belt arrested?
Because it was holding up some pants!
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer!
What do you call a fish without an eye
A fsh!
If an electric train is traveling south at 10 miles per hour and the wind is blowing North at 10 miles per hour, which way does the smoke blow?
Electric trains don’t have smoke!
Why can’t you ever trust atoms?
Because they make up everything!
When you’re looking for something, why is it always in the last place you look?
Because you stop looking when you find it!
How much did the shopkeeper sell his dead batteries for?
Nothing, they were free of charge!
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick!
What goes up and down but doesn’t move?
Stairs!
Knock-knock jokes
The repetitive format of knock-knock jokes are perfect for kids because they’re predictable, simple to understand, and it’s easy to invent new ones. Expect a few failures before you strike gold!
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Ireland.
Ireland who?
Ireland you my umbrella because it’s raining!
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Stopwatch
Stopwatch who?
Stopwatch you’re doing and open this door!
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Amish
Amish who?
Awww, I miss you too!
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Cow says
Cow says who?
No, cow says “Moooo!”
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Dishes
Dishes who?
Dishes me, who are you?
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Isabell
Isabell who?
Isabell working? I didn’t hear anything!
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Doris
Doris who?
Doris locked, that’s why I’m knocking!
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Smellmop
Smellmop who?
Yuck, no way!
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
The Funnel
The Funnel who?
The Funnel start once you let me in!
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Lettuce
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in, it’s cold outside!
Did you hear about the girl who invented knock-knock jokes?
She was awarded the ‘no-bell’ prize!
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Boo
Boo who?
Don’t cry!
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Cargo
Cargo who?
Car go beep beep, vroom, vroom!
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Interrupting cow
Interrupting co—MOOO!
(Timing is everything with this joke!)
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Justin
Justin who?
Justin time for dinner!
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
I love
I love who?
I don’t know, why don’t you tell me!
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Broken pencil
Broken pencil who?
Oh never mind, it’s pointless!
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Wooden shoe
Wooden shoe who?
Wooden shoe like to hear another knock-knock joke?
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Irish
Irish who?
Irish you a Merry Christmas!
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Tank
Tank who?
You’re welcome!
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Europe
Europe who?
No, you’re a poo!
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Broccoli
Broccoli who?
Broccoli doesn’t have a last name, silly!
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Atch
Atch who?
Bless you!
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Banana
Banana who?
Banana nana nana nana Batman!
Doctor jokes
Kids are fascinated by hospitals, medicine, doctors and nurses, and how their body works, but these jokes probably won’t teach them about any of those things!
Patient: Doctor, I feel like a dog.
Doctor: Sit on the couch and we’ll talk about it then.
Patient: I’m not allowed on the couch!
Patient: Doctor, I can’t stop my hands from shaking?.
Doctor: Do you drink a lot?
Patient: No, I spill most of it!
Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I can’t feel my legs.
Doctor: I know you can’t, I’ve cut off your arms!
Why did the banana go to the Doctor?
Because it wasn’t peeling well!
Patient: Doctor, every time I drink hot chocolate I get a stabbing pain in my eye.
Doctor: Try taking the spoon out first!
Patient: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
Doctor: Then answer the phone!
Patient: Doctor, sometimes I feel like I’m invisible.
Doctor: Who said that?
Patient: Doctor, I’ve lost my memory.
Doctor: When did this happen?
Patient: When did what happen?
Puns
With their multiple meanings and similar-sounding words, puns are a fun way to teach kids about the intricacies of the English language. Just don’t be mean if you don’t know what they mean (pun intended.)
My leaf-blower doesn’t work.
It just sucks!
Why do bicycles fall over?
Because they are two tyred!
What do you call a donkey with three legs?
A wonkey!
Why did the actor fall through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage!
What happens when you drop your phone in the water?
It syncs!
What do monsters turn on when it’s hot?
A scare conditioner!
How do trees get onto the Internet?
They log-in!
Where do sick boats go to get better?
To the dock!
What did the boy ocean say to the girl ocean when she asked him out on a date?
Shore!
What did the cat saw when someone stepped on its tail?
Me-OW!
What did the buffalo say when his son went to school?
Bison!
How does a cucumber become a pickle?
It goes through a jarring process!
What kind of tree can you hold in one hand?
A palm tree!
What’s the biggest moth in the world?
A mammoth!
What kind of award did the dentist win?
A little plaque!
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis!
Why was the teacher cross-eyed?
Because she couldn’t control her pupils!
What makes music on your head?
A headband!
Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
Day-scare centers!
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er!
Why is the grass dangerous?
It’s full of blades!
What did the horse say when it fell over?
I’ve fallen and can’t giddyup!
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
What did the thumb say to the finger?
I’m in glove with you!
Are snails faster without their shells?
No, they’re more sluggish!
How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together!
What do you call a horse that lives next door?
Neigh-bor!
What do you get if you cross a rabbit with a frog?
A bunny ribbit!
What type of music do rabbits like best?
Hip-Hop!
What part of a fish weighs the most?
It’s scales!
What’s the king of school supplies?
The ruler!
What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Beef jerky!
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh out loud?
Ten-tickles!
What kind of exam does a vampire give his students?
A blood test!
What do lawyers wear to court?
Lawsuits!
Why did the slave go to college?
To pick up his Master’s degree!
Where do sheep get a haircut?
At the baa-baa shop!
What did one volcano say to the other?
I lava you!
How do you cut the sea in half?
With a see-saw!
Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his toys?
Because he was a little shellfish!
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
Supplies!
Where do cows go for entertainment?
The moo-vies!
Dad Jokes
You either love them or hate them, but for me, as a father of three kids, I think Dad jokes are awesome! Luckily my kids like them too. You don’t have to be a dad to tell dad jokes. Try not to groan, hear come some of the best of the worst!
How does a scientist freshen his breath?
With experi-mints!
What do you call a cat with no legs?
You can call her whatever you like but she’s not coming!
What’s green but smells like blue paint?
Green paint!
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in front of a door?
Matt!
Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it’s over your head!
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When the punchline is a parent!
Did you hear about the kidnapping in the park?
Don’t worry, he woke up!
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
Because it wanted to get to the bottom!
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones!
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
Cashew!
What is an elephant's favorite sport?
Squash!
What’s the difference between a dog and a cat?
The spelling!
My fat parrot died…
It was a real weight off my shoulder!
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them!
How do you make seven an even number?
Take away the ’S’!
What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work?
A can’t opener!
What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A waist or time!
What’s the loudest pet you can get?
A trumpet!
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents!
Why was the sand wet?
Because the sea-weed!
What’s the worse Dad joke ever?
This one!
Do Dads always snore?
No, only when they’re asleep!
Where do animals go when their tails fall off?
To the retail store!
I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger…
And then it hit me!
They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian…
They’re not laughing now!
What do you call a factory that makes average quality products?
A satis-factory!
What happened to the kid who refused to sleep?
He was charged with resisting a rest!
What did the spider do on the computer?
She made a website!
What kind of bagel can fly?
A plain bagel!
What kind of cats like to go bowling?
Alley cats!
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side!
What do you call a man who can’t stand?
Neil!
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it!
I ordered a chicken and an egg online.
I’ll let you know!
Do you want to hear a joke about a piece of paper?
Nevermind, it’s tearable!
What did the baby computer call its father?
Data!
Which hand is better to write with?
Neither, it’s best to write with a pen!
What’s green and fuzzy and will kill you if it falls from a tree?
A pool table!
What do you call a boy with a car on his head?
Jack!
What did the clock do when it was hungry?
It went back four seconds!
What is black and white and red all over?
A newspaper!
Why are noodles called ‘noodles’?
Because they’re not wearing any clothes!
Nonsense Jokes
Kids don’t always make sense and neither do their jokes, but that doesn’t mean that they’re not funny. These incomplete, messed up, silly, and absurd jokes can still make you laugh out loud, particularly when delivered bo a cute little kid!
What do you call a frog that eats crumpets?
A crumpet frog!
What is green and has blue wheels?
Grass… I lied about the wheels!
What’s green and looks like a tree?
A tree!
Why do elephants wear yellow socks?
So they can hide upside-down in a bowl of custard!
What do you call a banana?
A yellow boomerang!
What’s the same with an elephant and a ladybug?
They’re both grey, except for the ladybug.
What’s red, juicy, and round?
A lemon disguised as a strawberry!
Why do you go to bed every night?
Because your bead won’t come to you!
What do you call a frog with no legs?
A green thing!
Looking for more fun things to do with kids? See our 200 fun babysitting activities and use our filters to find the perfect games for your situation.
Written & Illustrated by
Published: 16 September 2019
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